You see ever since I was a little girl I remember being extra anxious around Christmas. Maybe it's because year after year I watched my family life deteriorate in front of me with no real idea how to stop it. In my house in the same week there could be a neighborhood full of people watching football on Sunday to a knockdown bloody fight between my mother and stepdad and a regular visit from the local police on Monday. Maybe it's because some Christmas's were super happy, like the year I woke up to a LIFE SIZE cutout of Garth Brooks in my living room! In the early 90's kids this was a HUGE deal!
Sparing the messier details, my life started with mom, then with mom and stepdad, then just mom, then with mom going to jail. One of the last Christmas's with my mother was when we took a trip to the local mall which was a nice getaway from the place we were crashing in at the time. Buying my own gifts with a few of her dollars sure did take the surprise out of opening them on Christmas Day. Bah Humbug I thought. I did however stretch those dollars as far as I could to get myself a new outfit. Every time we shuffled houses or crappy hotels I lost some piece of my old life until towards the end of my life with her I had only one outfit with me. As a teenager that's kind of a big deal.
I'll never forget our first Christmas without my mom. One one hand it was scary not knowing what to expect and scary starting life as you know it over, especially when you are a teenager. On the other hand it was kind of a relief without all the turmoil. So I did what I thought all families do for Christmas, I made my brothers and I take a family photo! We didn't have a lot of dollars but I knew $9.99 got you like 50 pictures at Walmart and those would make damn fine gifts. Not sure if the boys were super pumped about the photoshoot but they let me have my way and I loved them for it. That was one of the greatest gifts I ever set my eyes on. It was like living proof staring right back at me that even in the worst of moments it helps to smile a little or at least just try to.
I spent the next 10 years bouncing from someones idea of a happy Christmas to the next, all the while feeling as if I didn't belong in their Christmas story. I started to wonder if I'd ever have a happy one of my own again. In all my reflection over Christmas's past I see that like everyone else, I can enjoy searching for the perfect gifts. Little things that make the people I care about smile. I learned from watching my mothers mistakes too. Robbing from Peter to pay Paul is not worth the big screen TV that will end up being seized along with your other belongings if you don't pay for them and I vowed to never buy anything I couldn't afford.Christmas isn't about spending the most dollars you can until you're broke and homeless. It's about spending your time and your energy celebrating and loving whatever life you have and hoping that in the new year the things you'd like to be better will be.
So this year for Christmas I have someone who really loves me to wake up with. A really beautiful tree we decorated with lots of love and eggnog. I have an amazing city that I can call home with a circle of friends that make me feel like the happy little elf I was meant to be. Now I can wait for my personal favorite present, a new year! A new season full of hopes and endless possibilities just waiting for me.
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