Ducks

Dear Mike,


(you ) 98,99,100 oh hey duck what up?( me) what the hell ( you) I'm working out , sit ups bro, for the chicks (me) Mike it's 7am  (you) haha got yo ass! As much as I pretended to hate those good morning wake up calls I secretly loved them . You were always coming up with something to make me laugh.

Remember when you got your first car that you  loved ? I lived in some random woman's house at the time and was mega sad. You picked me up and were so happy you took your sunshine and threw it on my mess of a life . You were my knight in a shiny Le Baron. We listened to Jermaine Dupri  money ain't a thing and Mike for those moments it didn't matter I smiled , I laughed, I breathed . I didn't feel like my world was falling apart or that I had no home.You managed to do that to me for years when I had nothing to be sunny about you would find something to give me . A smile, a song, a hug, a freaking pizza roll, whatever it took to make me smile. I am beside myself that I couldn't do the same for you in the end but that's another letter.

Remember when I called you with "I'm moving to Michigan , I'm moving to Miami , I'm moving to Chicago ." I remember the seconds between your responses, the sound of your voice, the quickness of your breath, the thoughts in your heart. But you never said don't go .You were always my biggest fan even when you hated the plays I was making . You loved me so much you wanted me to be happy even if it broke your heart. You are a fabulous man.

After you left all I heard was  "Jenn you were the love of his life " "Jenn it was always you " "he would've dropped anything at anytime to be with you " "Jenn you and Mike had something very special " and they were all right . It's taken me almost 6 months to allow myself to think about you being gone . Hell I went to my big brothers wedding the day after your funeral, my brain was in emotional overload. I flew home after to my big old city all alone and thought I might very well die.

I know your mom is sad for a million reasons like we all are . She wanted you have the experience of being married and having kids and it seems like you never got to but in a way you did .You were my love for years .You better LOVE hearing this confession! I can see you smiling right now RUDE . We spent days upon days together ,what 12 years before I started moving away ? We picked out ducks for your bathroom ducks everything good lord so many ducks, you were so excited about that place. Remember walking through the store to find me and calling Jennifer Hellwig over the intercom ? You caught me laughing hysterically on my knees in the aisles and then the famous " got yo ass ." That's one of my favorite stories and there are hundreds more like that . It's hard to find that much love in life no matter how you define the relationship there was so much love.

You had Jaidyn . She is your sisters little girl but you loved her like she was yours. You did get to feel that father and daughter bond for 5 years . ( He really did Hilda ) . I know you got to experience so much love during your life and that makes me happy in my really awful moments.

I can hear you damn we're old dirty before I turned 30 this year . We were supposed to get married this year according to you if I didn't let some DUCK get to me first right ? I've spent 30 years blocking out memories and I remember everything about us.

I remember every wedding ,BBQ, holiday party,club, restaurant ,Orlando trip,casino boat,Storm game, Bucs game,Clearwater Beach moment and I gotta tell you my heart hurts like hell . Remember when I made my first pro dance team ? Not the Storm the Thunderdawgs !! You were there cheering me on every audition,every finals, remember ? You were so excited dude you know how many chicks I'm gonna pull now that you're a cheerleader ? You saw a second of disappointment in my eye got yo ass  ! You could never hurt my feelings and you probably had every right to. Why the hell did you love me so much ? Why the hell didn't we ever just come out and say it to each other ? We both knew hell everyone knew but we never wanted to cross that line. We were like scared little bunnies. I know you never understood why and hearing that out loud at your funeral really made me ache inside. I should've explained it to you but I didn't understand it myself I guess. Now I have a better idea . We kept our feelings locked up in a bottle hoping they'd find their way to shore someday.

Mike I never could risk losing you in my life .You were my anchor, my home base, my comfort, my end zone dance . The people places and things in my life would come and be gone so quickly but not you .You were the man I always wanted and you were right in front of me and I just couldn't risk losing you the bet was too high . I haven't told you enough how much I love you . I love you . To be honest it's hard to think about because you aren't here in a way you're still everywhere I am . I know I am very lucky for that. I got a duck tattoo to remind me of you because you know I forget everything. I haven't decided if you'll kill me for inking my body again or if you're up there doing the squirrel knowing we will always be together , my guess is both .

Guess what ? The Windy City Ducky Derby is this week . Amie and I have a team in your name and people buy up to 30,000 ducks and they race on the Chicago River for charity . Can you imagine all those ducks ? Are you laughing your ass off at me right now ? Whatever I know you are and I don't care it's gonna be fun ! I  know I'll feel you there so I'm even more excited . For now I'll focus on that and Golden Girl and the future and know that you're with me,every step I take, with the right foot forward . Sleep tight sweetheart and thank you for teaching me about love .


Love,

Jenn