Labels and Love

I love you guys…. but I love me too . Do hear this with love and kindness as I'm shaking writing this. You know who you are ...

Your methods in communicating may work for you, but they have really hurt me. I won't communicate with people who behave like this . Look at my mother it's been what 13 years zero communication ?It's a decision I don't regret because it's what's best for my heart.I know your opinion on my particular relationship blunder because after I ended it you cut me out of your world. I will not dredge up specifics about that anymore. Simply stated you weren't in the relationship .Shame on you for judging me as if you were .You did not know what was right for me. Yes I made misjudgments and went all in but I didn't do a man wrong. I have rarely done that. Things were not the way you thought they were end of story. I do resent your actions afterward and to this day and I hate that.I don't ask for help much I've never had that luxury as you know. You turned a blind eye. You weren't sleeping with your shoes on plotting a way out of this mess. You support first ask questions later in regards to someone you love. My best friend died suddenly. Fact. I hurt deeply.Fact.I jumped quickly.Fact.That's what I did. The rest is fiction sorry to ruin “The Notebook” for you it just wasn't my time. Life had other plans for me. Staying with a man who isn't right for me is simply not wrong. In the arms of the right man I'll find some loving .Stop worrying about that. Stop making me feel I need worry about that silly. I'm happy as a bird.It doesn't have to happen on a timeline. It happens when life says it happens.Until then don't worry I have a fine array of gentlemen to fill my dance card. Take my word for it dance floor love is the best kind.

I do have had a huge gust of personal wind. Zeus is being less of a prick...total victory! I am alpha mommy (most of the time) .My kids are learning so much. I'm getting better as a teacher. I'm not there yet but it's my new favorite thing with my new favorite people. I believe I tell my story through them and hopefully the world is better for having heard it .I have a gaggle of new fabulous business owner friends from the book we were in .These ladies are divas and I shine being around them they're so bright .I have my Golden Girls ...who are my heart .We all work so hard and we are like the little engine that could. (I just heard a train how funny). My friend you met is coming on board and we are OVERJOYED at GGC !! We get to spend our days working hard but being girlfriends and being awesome .I have my Tina's and Tasha's and they are my soul. I'll always have my Michael. He is with me every step and it's overwhelming how much I miss him. My relationship with my brothers has soared to new heights, even better than before! I'd love to tell you about it but then you critique them too and it pisses me off. We are all in this life thing together. Love is truly what we all need not to sound like the Beatles .We will always be a group of outcasts in a way ,my brothers and I .But I see us now as pioneers on the eternal trail of optimism can't you look at that for just a minute ? The odds were heavily stacked against us and we have all survived and grown into good hearted people, that alone is enough.

My story is no longer the little girl lost. The child abused & abandoned. I'm sorry you label me that but it was never me .I have always been a cheerleader, it's all I have ever known .Hell I have pom poms in my closet I'm sure of it .It's normal to freak out sometimes, that does not make me crazy. What does is hearing that from the people you love. Every time you learn to trust again it's more difficult .When you are victim of any kind of abuse and particularly of child abuse it's even more difficult. Trust me I read the facts .I didn't know before but there are a lot of people like me and its far more prevalent than people talk about. I’m not being dramatic . We all know the cards my brothers and I were dealt and the four of us are all on the river as they say. (That’s for you Mike my darling). We need you to come with more love,less critique, less abrasiveness. Even if that's your nature it's not okay not to try harder.

The way you treat others has meaning and it has impact .I have a big heart and big ideas. Golden ones that deserve to be presented to the world as my gift.My mission in life is so much bigger now. My horizons are so much broader because I am unafraid. To apologize & learn from things and to keep making progress. To acknowledge that we have much yet to still learn. To sometimes fold your hand if the stakes get too high. After all of the kick you in the ass moment’s life has thrown my way in 31 years it’s always sunny in Chicago now and I choose that life. Not only because of what I do but how I do it and who I share my life with .I am going to share this with others but it's not meant from a place of slinging mud.It comes from a place of love and peace within myself that I now know how to nurture.I've never gotten to have this and I need you to want it for me. This world is a beautiful place and you may not understand me but some people do and they need this tonight.I still love you. As for YOU who I know needs this tonight... listen to me .Darling I'm here with you in spirit and you told me you read my blogs....this is for you .You moved my heart. You are not alone sweet girl there is sunshine after every raincloud even if it seems like a hurricane. This is not a story about abuse. It's a story about releasing what holds you down...even if you may love it because it isn't right for you .GET GOLDEN if you know what I mean ...trust me it's totally worth it .The juice is worth the squeeze. Much love,

Jenny
Golden Girl Chicago

Hellooooo lovers....

Hellllooo lovers... It’s February and we know what the hottest topic is, yup you guessed it ~ love . Now I’m no expert in that department but I do know a thing or two about boosting your confidence , which can only help in your journey down lover’s lane.

Let’s talk tans. With all the evidence linking UV exposure to cancer and premature aging people are finally embracing the beauty of spray tanning. I have experienced every orange, streaky, smelly, and splotchy spray tan possible. I’m here to tell you that your walk into the office doesn’t have to be a walk of spray tan shame. I hear this all the time “I don’t want everyone to know I’ve tanned, I just want a nice glow.” The following visit, that same client is telling me how her whole office couldn’t believe she had a spray tan that really looks real! We high-five and I have a friend for life because I used my education , passion,and experience to give her the best spray tan possible.

The trick for you my friends is simple. Find a skilled pro preferably with a degree in skin studies. No skin or body is the same and no tan should be. A true professional will know exactly why clients turn orange and how to prevent it. A pro will know how to prevent streaks ,unpleasant smells, stop splotchy fading , among many other things. You should leave your spray tan experience with extra sass in your step, a hair flip, and feeling 10 lbs thinner in minutes. Lets’s face it I hear this every day too “tan fat just looks better than pale fat.” So, get out there and try getting golden people ! Just once at the hands of a real pro and you’ll be hooked. Who knows, it may lead you to that valentines date where sparks fly. If not you’ll look damn good searching for your true love. Until next time sweet tarts..

Stay Golden,

Jenn Dieas of Golden Girl Chicago

The king of sunshine

Tonight I feel overwhelmed ,you were my partner in crime for all these years . Since you've been gone I know you have seen such a wave of great and equally awful things come about in my life. For the first time I can put aside the feeling of missing you and be thankful that I had so many precious moments with you . I'm crying of course because I want to hear your voice and experience life with you in it the way I've always known. Tonight feels different .

I believe you were my teacher , my master of sunshine , and that if I don't learn fully the lessons we spent so many years learning together then I'll have let you down . It was always amazing how much you believed in me , and I can't let you down. Not talking about business or success in the world all that I think I can figure out on my own. You are my greatest source of learning about love , which in all its forms makes the world go round . Learning to love myself as much as I should ( and I'm overestimating as you would encourage ). Learning to give love to others always , but the most important to you .....learning to give my heart , what you saw as so precious only to someone who really deserves it and treasures it . I love you with all my heart . You are a gift in my life and no day goes by I won't treasure you .

Golden Girls

In search of inspiration and loveliness Amie and I started a little project that became much more than we ever imagined .

After 2 years of looking for the best tanning accesorries we threw our hands up in the air . " We have to do this ourselves " we said unison " damn " ( again in unison with cheeky smiles ) . Finding a company to make a product for you that you LOVE and have confidence in is no easy fete , especially for two little street squirrels like Amie and I . Determined as ever we set out on our next golden adventure .

Samples were ordered from LA to the UK for the next year. We tried every single one . Next came the look of our very own product line . We searched for vintage photos of models and nothing tickled our fancy . We sought out a designer and thought to create a logo and use that, nope he wasn't getting our vision . Then late one night.... a spark ! Let's show real golden girls , with beauty radiating from her photograph to the story of her life !! We reached out to our circle of ladies and asked for pics for a top secret project . The pics starting pouring in along with tidbits on the girls . "YESSSSSS !!!! " we squealed when we saw Jeannie and Colleen our first two Golden Girls . We teamed up with the most fabulous graphic designer with the perfect eye for our vision ( who's also a foxy redhead which makes her even more lovable ! ) She worked her magic and our girls leapt off the photographs , onto our bottles and into our hearts. Allow us a sec to share a peek into their lives ...

Jeannie Ruzgis a bold bohemian beauty was the oldest of 7 children . At the age of 16 she began modeling for local stores and soon found herself with a blossoming career. As the oldest of 7 she found herself in the role of babysitter quite often and modeling was her outlet . Notes from her mother explained she was always hanging out with artistic bohemian types . Shortly after her modeling began it had to come to a halt . Jeannie's father had a sudden blot clot and died instantly . Her mother had just given birth to her youngest son . There was no life insurance , a family business to run, and 6 siblings to help care for. Jeannie had to shift from boho chic model to mommy in training. Four years later things settled down and Jeannie set her sights on a modeling career in Italy ! Her career flourished there and she even fell in love ! In her late twenties Jeannie was diagnosed with breast cancer in Rome ,Italy . The disease ended up calling Jeannie to heaven but a very important piece of Jeannie was passed on to her niece Natalie Jean (though they never met ) . Natalie's grandma describes Natalie as a mini Jeannie and from our observations it's quite true. Natalie is a smart, sassy, driven , lively, gorgeous girl and a major up and coming talent in the Chicago hair scene. She works in a gem of a salon ( Red 7 salon ) in Chicago's River North neighborhood and we expect years of inspiration ahead from Miss Natalie . When Natalie showed her grandma ( Jeannie's momma) our creation she was moved that Jeannie finally " made it " as a model after all these years .


I had the great fortune of personally knowing our next golden girl Colleen Lehtonen . From the moment we met I was enamored . This woman was the epitome of a Golden Girl . Strong , beautiful , loving , intelligent , confident, she was everything I dreamt moms were supposed to be . She has two beautiful children and one grandchild that gave her life such meaning . Everything revolved around them but in a way that was endearing without being overbearing . A few months after we met Colleen was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time . Her family was rocked to the core and I'm sure Colleen was too , but she didn't show it . She was the portrait of courage and faith ...her family's rock . She was amazing . The more ill she became the more beautiful she was to me . She focused on her faith and her love for her children . Anyone who knows Colleen can probably still hear her infectious laugh , it could fill a room with sunshine .

So this leg of our adventure began with two girls and as you could imagine we can't stop with sharing just two stories . As the Golden Girls keep pouring in we will do our best to share their stories full of sunshine with you . Til next time ....

Stay Golden,
Jenny D

Ducks

Dear Mike,

98,99,100 oh hey duck what up? me ..what the hell ?... you ..I'm working out sit ups bro for the chicks.. me .. mike it's 7am ...you ..haha got yo ass ! As much as I pretended to hate those good morning wake up calls , I secretly loved them . You were always coming up with something to make me laugh.

Remember when you got your first car that you LOVED ? I lived in some lady's house at the time and was super sad. You picked me up . You were so happy you took all your sunshine and threw it on my mess of a life . You were my knight in a shiny Le baron. We listened to Jermaine Dupri " the ferrari and jaguar switchin four lanes with the top down screaming out money ain't a thing " and Mike for those moments it didn't matter . I smiled , I laughed , I breathed . I didn't feel like my world was falling apart. You managed to do that to me for years , when I had nothing to be sunny about you would find something to give me . A smile , a song , a hug , a freakin pizza roll , whatever made me smile. I am beside myself that I couldn't do the same for you in the end . Anyway that's another letter.

Remember when I called you with " I'm moving to Michigan , I'm moving to Miami , I'm moving to Chicago ?" I remember the seconds between your responses , the sound of your voice , the thoughts in your head. But you never said don't go . You were always my biggest fan even when you hated the plays I was making . You loved me so much you wanted me to be happy even if it broke your heart. You are a fabulous man .

After you left all I heard was " Jenn you were the love of his life ." " Jenn it was always you " " he would've dropped anything at anytime to be with you " " Jenn you and Mike had something very special ." And they are all right . It's taken me almost 6 months to allow myself to allow myself to think about you being gone . Hell I went to my big brothers wedding the day after your funeral my brain was in emotional overload. After I flew home to my big old city all alone .Can you believe Chris got married ? He's really happy .

I know your mom is sad for a million reasons like we all are . She wanted you have the experience of being married and having kids and it seems like you never got to , but in a way you did ...

You were my love . For years . You better LOVE hearing this confession, I can see you smiling right now ..RUDE ! We spent days upon days together , what 12 years before I started moving away ? We picked out ducks for your bathroom . You were so excited about that place . Remember calling Jennifer Hellwig over the Walmart intercom ?? I wanted to die , but I secretly loved it and you caught me laughing hysterically in the aisles looking for you . That's one of my favorite stories .

You had Jaidyn . She is your sisters little girl but you loved her like she was your own . You did get to feel that father & daughter bond for 5 years . ( He really did Hilda ) I know you got to experience so much love during your life and that makes me happy in my really bad moments.

I can hear you saying " damn we're old dirty" before I turned 30 this year. The age we would get married if I didn't let some DUCK get to me first right ? I've spent 30 years blocking out memories and I remember EVERYTHING about us...which I totally blame on you by the way.

I remember every wedding , BBQ , holiday party , club, restaurant , Orlando trip , casino boat , Storm game ,Bucs game , clearwater beach moment and I gotta tell you my heart hurts like hell . Remember when I made my first pro dance team ? Not Storm ..the Thunderdawgs !! You were there cheering me on . Remember ? You were so excited " Dude you know how many chicks I'm gonna pull now that you're a cheerleader ? You saw a second of disappointment in my eye " Got yo ass " You could never hurt my feelings and you probably had every reason to . Why the hell did you love me so much ? Why the hell didn't we ever just come out and say it to each other ? We both knew , hell everyone knew ,but we never wanted to cross that line. We were like scared little bunnies. I know you never understood that and hearing it out loud at your funeral really made me ache inside. I should've explained it to you but I didn't understand it myself I guess. Now I have a better idea ...

Mike I never could risk losing you in my life . You were my anchor, my home, my comfort, my endzone dance . The people, places and things in my life would come and be gone so quickly . Not you .You were the man I always wanted and you were right in front of me I just couldn't risk you . The bet was too high . I haven't told you enough how much I love you . I love you . To be honest it's hard to think about because you aren't here , in a way you're still everywhere I am . I know I am very luck for that. I got a duck tattoo to remind me because you know I forget things. I haven't decided if you'll kill me for inking my body again or if you're doing the squirrel up there knowing we will always be together ? My guess is both .

Guess what !! The Windy City Ducky Derby is this week . Amie and I have a team in your name and people buy up to 30,000 ducks and they race on the Chicago River for charity . Can you imagine all those ducks ? Are you laughing your ass off at me right now ? Whatever I know you are and I don't care it's gonna be fun . I know you'll be there so I'm even more excited ! For now I'll focus on that and Golden Girl and the future and know you're in it with me . With every step I take . The right foot forward . Sleep tight sweetheart ...thank you for teaching me about love ...until next time .


Love,

Jenn

Ready...Set...Jump !

" We're here !" proclaims the captain as we reach the middle of the ocean somewhere off the coast of Mexico. Wait a minute , I just paid 450 pesos for my first snorkeling adventure on my first time ever out of the country and I'm jumping into the middle of nowhere ?Oh geez where is the beautiful lagoon you see in the movies where you can park it on a rock if you need a break ? This is not what I expected , and therein lies the beauty of what was ahead of me .

" Ready senorita?" I look at my new sweet Mexican friend with a tinge of panic in my eyes and tell us both a little lie " I'm always ready senor."So the real shame of this story is I am in fact a Floridian and a cuban at that . I was raised in and around water yet I always had a fear of it and my swimming skills leave much to be desired . I turn my head and see the face of my best friend who ten minutes before gave me the pep talk. I'd already spent the money and I damn sure don't like wasting money so I'd be snorkeling today she said. I take one second to decide. Do I step in or jump? Then I smacked myself with my inner voice that can almost annoy me at times. " When the hell do you just dip your little toe in life's water Jenn , jump already you jackwagon !" I look at my Mexican friend, then at the ocean and I do it.... I jump !

For a split second I panic . I realize I have no control over this scenario and I'd have to trust everyone else around me to get back safely on that boat. This is no easy feat for an I can do it myself kinda girl like me . I try and catch my breath. Pedro the picture police is feverishly attempting to snap the picture. I'd already knew I'd buy it to have physical proof of this epic event and he desperately needs to sell some. Amie's sassing Pedro just a bit " give her a second she's never jumped in a damn ocean ."I knew then and there I was fine. This girl would punch a shark in the nose for me , god I love her .

From then on you would've thought I was Nemo . Swimming around with my little mask and snorkel , taking it all in . Gosh this was cool and so quiet and calm . I wanted to be the last one on the boat now. All I could do in those moments alone was think. I thought about all the amazing changes that have been happening in my life lately . I'm the damn CEO of me . I'm my own boss and I work with my best friends. I get to dance and get paid for it . I have great friends and family who somehow enjoy my nuttiness ....and Zeus ! My dream puppy who everyday teaches me about unconditional love and patience . Then life seemed as clear as the ocean below me...

You really can have it all . Love, a career, great friends, your dream life . It may not always happen as soon as you'd like but if you just be patient , sooner or later your time will come and you just have one thing to do ...JUMP

There's no place like home

Of course it had to be the force that is facebook to inspire me to open up some old doors and reflect. After seeing person after person change their profile pics to cartoons I read further to see what the fuss was about . Turns out it's a movement to raise awareness about child abuse. There they were.... those two words that cut like a knife ..CHILD ABUSE.

On the outside I had it all . Head cheerleader dates the star football player , homecoming court la de da the usual right ? Little did anyone know what was going on at home . When you have such hatred aimed at you especially from your parent you don't want to admit it to yourself let alone tell anyone else.

I'll always remember the first time my mother punched me in the face. I'm not talking a slap .I mean draw back , lean into it,and boom Mike Tyson style TKO right to the jaw. I was so stunned that I just stared at her . She looked at me and smiled " well what do you have to say now ?" and I asked her "why are you doing this to me ?" I'll never forget her response " you're everything I wanted to be and I hate you."

Our relationship would never be repaired . With her words spoken out loud it confirmed the thoughts constantly in my head . Our relationship wasn't normal but I never knew normal until I'd hear other kids tell stories about their parents and they sure didn't sound like mine. I could write page after page of TKO moments.

Throughout high school we began to move around ..ALOT. First to an apartment then it was a different hotel every few days..and we aren't talking Trump Tower ..more like Hojo's , Red Roofs, and Aladdin Inns to name some personal favorites . My brother and I used to joke about where we'd be living today after school,I think being silly kept us sane. I would walk the halls with a smile on my face and dread the bell ringing because that meant I'd have to go home ...wherever home was that day. At night I'd lie awake thinking someone has got to find out ..what will they think..what will they say at school , where would we go if I tell someone?

It took years before I asked for help and it was out of utter exhaustion . A moving company came one day while we were at school to take our stuff to our next dream house.The thing about movers is they want their money and if they don't get it you don't get your stuff back . It figures I had to wear my worst outfit that day! I was so tired from being up all night worrying . Where we would be living next and how will we pay the bills ? Dammitt Jenn ! How many times have we done this? Don't you know to have your good clothes on just in case ! I was so mad at ME for not thinking a step ahead . Day after day the movers never came. I'd ask where our stuff was until I got a nice beatdown to put an end to my constant questioning. I called my dad to tell him we had no clothes and he sure wished he could help but he didn't know what he could do being so far away. A phone call to my aunt and finally relief ...someone was going to listen.

I'll never understand what makes a person able to harm their children, but I'll always understand what it's like to be afraid to speak up . I teach kids now and it's by far the best thing that's ever happened to me . I'm at school 30 minutes early and I tend to stay 30 minutes late , because I love these kids . I love hearing their little stories and giving them time to talk because I know one of them could be going through hell and in that case there's no place like home.